People

If I looked through my posts, there's probably a similar topic, but I feel it can be brought up again.

In the past year or so, I've had relatives that, let's say, aren't exactly getting along. For the past couple months, my family, and others, have been trying to help wherever we can. Unfortunately, situations are not improving, despite trying to help.

On occasion, I reflect on how things would be if I had full use of my body. In times like these, I believe I would be helping as well. I see myself playing taxi whenever possible and lending a hand as well. However, that's thinking from my current perspective, with my present life's experiences. In reality, I don't know where I would be working, living, or anything of the sort. With my knowledge of this life, I have not been perfect, by any means.

Just over a year ago, when I actually started this blog, I wanted too very much be done with this life. I allowed temptation and incorrect thinking to take over my mind. I went as far as contacting doctors and lawyers to work on getting my trach, my only source of breathing at that time, removed. Plans were drawn up and I was very happy to see an end to life in site.

Fortunately, the Lord brought me back to perspective, to look at the life He has given me, and why it should continue. In the year since, this has been shown again and again, along with brief thoughts about why did I stop. Now, being on the outside and looking in, I know both sides of the fence, how thinking can get clouded into wrong directions seeming right.

Tomorrow will be the 20th day of 2011; with a busy and topsy-turvey year thus far, I wonder what is in store for the next 11 months.

Expectations

Today is the start of 2011, for many it's a start for new goals and looking toward new expectations. A few days ago, I posted my thoughts for 2011, but I'm consistently reminded how much I rely on others.

Last night was New Year's Eve, and my parents and I had a few friends over to help celebrate. I had my assistant get me into my chair shortly before she left as to save time later on and have one less lift for dad. As always, I stayed barefoot when I got up as it's my preference and goes along with the multitude of studies I've done, groups I belong to, and various people I've spoken with on the subject. Unfortunately, my parents don't care about any of these things or are willing to take the time to listen.

Therefore, I was forced to have footwear put on due to my parent's belief that "it just looks weird." So, as our guests started arriving, I was being made to don shoes and socks. Just having socks is a very cheap cover-up in my opinion, and trying to satisfy some unknown rule that one can't go barefoot inside in the winter.

Through all these years of being a quad, I'm grateful for all my parents have done and, as I've stated before, I would like to be able to help more. It's unfortunate that situations like these arise then, and too frequently. Even though I was brought up to be an adult as independent as possible, I'm not allowed to make my own decisions. Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm though with other quads living with their parents.

No matter your age, accomplishments, or responsibilities, you're still treated as a child. Decisions are made for you, no matter your wants or thoughts, and no real solution exists. As this year starts, I pray that similar times will decrease; unfortunately, history does not show that being likely.

Years

In less than 48 hours, 2010 will be complete and the new year start again. This past week I completed my annual review of the year and gave brief descriptions of different activities. My friends and family enjoy it, but in some ways it's disappointing as well.

Every year, there seems to be so much more I could, and probably should, have done. I imagine many of us feel that way though. For me, it's mainly feeling like I hold myself my back. More calls or emails could have been done for possibly more business. I could have contacted more schools to give talks at, and used my funds to help those around me as well as people with limited means.

I can hear the question now, "Aren't you the guy that can't move, or even breath on his own?" Yes, that's true, but why does that matter? We've been given technology that helps persons like me overcome these problems. Therefore, not having control over your body isn't a reason to get lazy, or not push toward goals.

As we enter another year, many people make resolutions of various types. For 2011, I think my goal will be to let very few opportunities pass, and work to fully use the abilities and knowledge God has given me. Maybe the review for 2011 will be six pages instead of this year's three.

Technology

As a vent dependent quadriplegic, I rely on technology for every breath I get. Whether it is from a ventilator, or my new diaphragm pacing system, technology is involved in some form. As a web developer, I also use technology for work, it's also required for people to view my work.

Last week, my computer started acting up, freezing unexpectedly due to screen problems. As any geek would, I attempted to isolate the problems and work so as not to have them occur. Unfortunately, this only worked for a few days, and Wednesday night, while having supper, the computer froze while simply running the screensaver. Attempting to restart it on Thursday was not successful either.

Therefore, a trip to the Apple store was needed to start the fixing process. Thankfully, one of my assistants was going there today with her family and was willing to drop it off. In the mean time, while my primary computer is is the shop, I'm using my backup computer, about a five-year-old laptop.

I'm thankful that I have been able to get these resources, and that I was given information about an online backup service that has allowed me to continue working. Getting used to this computer's quirks and older technology has taken some adjusting, but I'm grateful to have the option.

As for the other pieces of technology I depend on, thankfully God has provided engineers that make them very reliable. No engineer can fully duplicate God's design of the human body, but for those of us that need alternatives, He has provided a way.

DPS

A little over a week ago, I had surgery in Chicago. Surgery was to implant electrodes in my diaphragm to allow for the diaphragm pacemaker system by Synapse Biomedical. Since then, I have made good progress in switching from the ventilator to it, or pacing as it's called.

After 25 years of using a ventilator, breathing via my nose and diaphragm is a very different experience. It's great being able to smell and not have the constant noise of the ventilator around. When I go without tubes, I love being able to look down at this body I have and just see me.

Talking is different while pacing though. I'm used to being able to continuously speak without hesitation and not need to wait for air. While pacing, I can keep my breath as long as I want and talk, but I haven't mastered talking while inhaling. Granted, I've basically had a week's practice, but it's an item I'll need to work on.

I have figured that if I increase three hours per week, I'll be off the vent during the day by the end of 2010. It's an ambitious goal, but one I want to work toward. Yesterday, I did go over three hours total and am very close today in early evening. We'll see if I can keep up the pace for the several weeks and if I can meet my goal.

Kids

It's not a secret, I have it posted on my web site, that I think all kids should be barefoot at all times. Today, I came across this post on a blog about a kid who went barefoot. It's unfortunate excuses must be made for his footwear, or lack of. I'm glad to see that he did go dressed as he wished, but more kids, such as his brother, should take after him.

Others' Ideas

It's another one of those days. Last week, when balancing my business check book, we found it in a state of mass confusion. To me, a check book is a simple thing; write deposits and expenditures at the end and balance every month. In regards to a business check book, deposits are recorded as one sum, not each individual payment.

Unfortunately, even after going through these basics, my assistants still don't get it right. I don't like checking everything they do as it builds distrust and says that they're incompetent. However, I do not see a different way that I can handle these basic tasks without much more supervision.

Sigh, the next few days will be a change from routine, and hopefully relieve some stress that my family is having.